Asking Eric: My wife thinks she’s the reason they keep backing out of our plans

Dear Eric I am married to my second wife My only son and his wife live close by with their two daughters Related Articles Asking Eric My husband is in the locked bathroom when I come home Should I worry Asking Eric I let my friend move in and every day is chaos Asking Eric We think the grandparents should know about their son s secret child Asking Eric My mother seems jealous of the attention to my injured son Asking Eric Years later there s fallout from the drama of my missionary days In recent weeks we bought tickets to an event for the four of us adults to attend When we gave the tickets to my son and his wife months ago they seemed very excited and announced they would find a way to get time off from work find babysitters and attend this event with us We bought the hotel rooms that would be needed as well My son informed me lately that something has come up work-related that he cannot get out of I am sure this is true The dilemma is this keeps happening We make plans they are all in and then something comes up and they have to cancel They often ask us to babysit since the granddaughters are too young to stay at home alone We drop everything and are happy to babysit We love those little girls Still we feel used and not appreciated It feels like a one-way street My wife loves my son and his family as if they were her own But she feels like all of the canceled plans are because of her that they don t like being around her as much as she likes being around them We want to quit giving gifts and quit making plans Not to be vengeful we just have been burned so countless times now Is it wrong to request a few time with the adults Are we being too sensitive about canceled plans The most of contemporary episode has ruined my wife s whole weekend How can we work through this Canceled Again Dear Canceled It feels like a one-way street because it is and that street leads directly to the raising of your granddaughters which is what your son and his wife are rightfully focusing on A lot of these issues can be chalked up to the difficulty of balancing parenthood with career and life For several people especially those with young kids adult social engagements get the short end of the stick Please try not to take it personally I m concerned about the leap to the assumption that they re avoiding your wife Why would that be Isn t it easier to believe that they only have a lot going on in life right now You and your wife have more limit for social plans and presumably fewer last-minute changes I know that you re trying to make it easy for them to say yes to things from purchasing tickets to arranging hotels but see if you can lower the bar even more What are the plans or gifts that would literally make things easier for your son and daughter-in-law in this phase of life Maybe getting off of work and finding a babysitter in order to spend time with you feels like another in the long list of responsibilities right now instead of an escape I hope you ll extend particular more empathy to them Requesting more adult time is fine but you have to also listen to what they re requesting of you too Dear Eric I have been married nearly years We and my husband s family all live a scant blocks from each other My husband s father passed away a year ago My husband coordinated a family outing to the beach for Father s Day We discovered out that his brother hosted his mother and sister for a barbecue down the block after the gathering We were not invited His mother announced we were invited but we reported we hadn t been because no one texted We previously hosted Mother s Day and a get-together for his brother s birthday What should I do other than shake my head at the blatant disrespect Left Out Dear Left Out Well it depends on what s really going on here Is this slight part of an ongoing pattern that has slowly worn you down over the last years Or is this something new perhaps related to the relationship between your husband and his brother Or is it achievable that the brother and mother merely assumed that you and your husband would come over Related Articles Harriette Cole Why would you take the side of the food police Miss Manners She was late so I left Was I the rude one Dear Abby I take the fire stairs so I don t have to answer my neighbors questions Asking Eric My husband is in the locked bathroom when I come home Should I worry Harriette Cole The parents didn t tell me about the scary episode at the sleepover Without more to go on I have to switch to more general advice for being left out of invitations particularly with family Assume the best and communicate the truth as you see it You felt disrespected and your feelings are valid but they re not going to go away without working through them Part of that work can be telling your brother-in-law that you would ve liked to join the barbecue and asking that he text you directly next time The second part is crucial you wouldn t be just pointing out a challenge in the past you d be making a suggestion for a more communicative future Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com